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What does it mean when a husband shuts down on you because his mother is shutting down on him?
Question : What does it mean when a husband shuts down on you because his mother is shutting down on him?
My husband is worried beyond belief about his mother and her Alzheimer’s. I am also , i have found two home health agencies to take care of her needs at home so she would not have to be placed in a dirty nursing home. I call every week to make sure they are showing up and doing their jobs. She is also a type 2 diabetic so i stay in touch with the nurse every two weeks to check on her blood sugar readings. My father in law is the primary care giver , the person she relies on the most. He is always there day and night but recently he has come down with heart troubles and extreme high blood pressure issues. Neither one of them have a great diet, i have cooked good healthy meals that diabetics can eat without compromising the blood sugar issues or bringing up his blood pressure and i do this twice a week, but they eat like birds and throw the majority of the food out because after i leave they do not like it, oh well. But think about this , they have one son, my husband and two sorry daughters that all they can do and is nag and worry him to death and they really do not come to visit and relieve him of his duties or help out so he can rest . I do it all, why ? because i care, i also have a daughter with disabilities and seizures and a brain disorder , so my life and hands are pretty full also. So why do i have to stand behind my husband all the time and be second on his list? If i am doing all the leg work so to speak and i do have living parents myself that are not in the best of health. He has never done a thing for them. Why should i feel like he is shutting down on me emotionally and physically when i am helping do every thing that he should be doing but will not because he would rather sit back in denial and whine? I feel like he has put me on a shelf and left me there until one day a miracle happens and she starts remembering who he is again and be able to communicate with him and pamper him again. He is a mommas baby , always has been, but this is getting to be a little bit too much for me to handle. What should i do? I have talked to his doctor about depression and therapy and his doctor agreed with me and wanted him to try a therapy treatment first , he really does not like the side effects of the depression pills , neither do i to be frank with you , but he is going to burn himself out someday and go completely nuts if someone other than myself , because he will not listen to me does something to help him. What or how should i go about this and still maintain a good , christian marriage and let his kids be at peace in our home?
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Best answer:
Answer by It is only my opinion
He is having trouble coping. And when you try to get him to talk about his feelings, and take it upon yourself to talk to his doctor, it will push him farther away. He shuts down because he is trying to solve the problem himself. That is what men do. Ask him if he even wants you to help his parents. Maybe he thinks you are interfering too much. I don’t know. Just ask him direct questions. But give him some time to cope. Give him space. Stop being a mother hen.
You don’t HAVE to take care of his parents.
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#2 written by jdrumming 1 year ago
Wow. So sorry for all the stress you are dealing with. Just want to encourage you. I know you need it.
In regards to the hubby, keep in mind that men deal with things a LOT different than women. We tend to internalize things. Women tend to talk things out. Just don’t expect him to act like YOU would act. He is a typical guy if he is “shutting down.” Don’t take it personally. Us guys crawl into ourselves to deal with our emotions.
Have you ever read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?” I recommend it.
I know it doesn’t help you feel much better to know his shutting down is normal. It leaves you isolated. All we can hope is that he will come out on the other end and realize all you have done.
Be patient sweety. Hang in there.
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#3 written by margie k 1 year ago
I agree with the above answer. Just stop taking so much on yourself. Stop doing it. Your husband is doing what many men do, they shut themselves off and go in their caves – be it mental or physically being alone to work out the problems and cope. Just give him space, stop taking care of his parents, take care of your own children and parents and let him do what he has to do. It may wake him up to his responsibilities and change his actions. It may not. YOU have to take care of YOU, you can’t change your husband, you can only tell him what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t, and if he doesn’t respect you or your wishes then it’s time to think about a separation.
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First off, not ALL nursing homes are dirty and disgusting because I work in one, and it’s as clean as a hospital, and it has state of the art technologies. I work with some of the best people I’ve come to know and our nursing home has been voted as one of the best in our state.
You’re really overwhelmed by this situation, and I don’t blame you. Your husband is acting like this because he doesn’t want to lose his mother, but it’s eventually going to happen no matter how hard you try to take care of her. Seeing a parent going through Alzheimer’s is very hard…I work on a unit with many residents which have Alzheimers and dementia and it’s hard on me. It’s hard because I consider them as part of my extended family and they demand so much of my attention physically and emotionally. Sadly their families don’t even so much as come to visit, or send a card because they seem to think that Mom or Dad won’t remember who their own son/daughter is. It’s depressing and sad, but I love what I do, and it’s a rewarding job. When they pass, I grieve the same as I would if I lost my own family. But in the end I build relationships with their families that go beyond me being a caretaker..some have considered me as their own daughter.
And I’m sorry, but you can’t do it all because eventually you’re going to break down emotionally and physically if you don’t give yourself a break. Sure there are times when all I want to do is throw in the towel and give up, because on top of my demanding job, I also have a grandfather that’s in the latter stage of dementia as well as Parkinson’s Disease, and congestive heart failure. I have asked my mother and uncles if they should consider putting him into an assisted living facility or the nursing home that I work at because he lives alone, and no one comes in to help him with cooking and cleaning and keeping up on his meds. But they don’t want to do that because it’s so easy for others to label nursing homes as bad. So it’s up to me to make sure that he’s taken care of. On my days off I go in and help take care of my grandfather. Then on top of that I have two young daughters that I have to make sure that they do well in school, do our laundry, cook, clean, and all that other stuff. It’s like I never get a break and support from others because like you, I do really care. My husband also has a demanding job working as an EMT..we don’t see each other much. But I keep telling myself I’m not God, I can’t make miracles happen, but I trust in God to take care of me and those who are about to enter into his kingdom. I believe that God puts us through these tests in life to see if we’re worthy to be in his kingdom when we pass on.
Trust me, I know what your husband is going through I see it everyday, I live it everyday. My uncles and especially my mother is in denial because of what my grandfather is going through yet they don’t think they have the strength to help take care of him, but I need to live my life..which is something you should allow yourself to do also. There are so many other resources out there that can help you in this trying time, but you need to let the visiting nurses do their jobs, and I’d hate to say it, think about putting his parents into a nursing home. Eventually they are going to need 24 hour care, and I just can’t see you doing that..do you? You have your daughter and she should be the top priority on your list especially if she has seizures and a brain disorder. I would just sit down and have a meeting with your husband and other family members and lay it all on the line. Like I said you can’t do it all, and the other family members have to step up and help out..especially your husband.
You’re not alone in this situation, and I know it’s easy to think that. But there’s one rule of thumb that you need to remember…you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. I know, I need to follow that rule of thumb for myself, but there’s only so much of me that can go around, and so much of you that can go around. And like I’ve also said before..trust in God to help you through this trying time, and to guide you. That’s how I keep going.
God Bless, and I hope you can find a better solution down the road.